We find ourselves in the same old mess singing drunken lullabies

I should have learned by now that whenever Tyler says let's tear shit up tonight it's going to be bad news bears for someone. Last night we certainly took more out of alcohol then alcohol could ever dream to take out of us. The night started innocently enough with Tyler and his wife showing up and asking us to all head downtown. In true college men fashion we got ready and the crew hit the first bar. The bar was packed, the beer was cheap and my glass wasn't empty while we were there. I talked to him about life after college, and what it's like to have a big boy job.

We left the first bar and headed to Mc's. I have to say one of the most amazing things when you’re inebriated is a free Taco bar. It attracts everyone, and anyone. We had previously talked about having one of the lovely buffalo libations that they serve up. Upon our arrival I ordered two pitches of beer for our table. Tyler returned with an 'Irish' buffalo. He took one sip and made a face like he just fucked a cat. He offered it to me, and being the brave soul that I am I accepted. Now there are certain rules when one drinks any type of buffalo. The first and foremost unless you want to get all kinds of crazy drunk do not chug them, however considering they have six shots of alcohol in them unless you like the taste of them you should finish it in relatively short order. Me wanting to have as much fun as possible that night said get ready for the 'diesel' and slammed the drink in roughly 8 seconds. Cheers and high fives abound, followed up with looks of disbelief from my counterparts. I continue to drink beer and it is lovely.

We leave Mc's after another round of buffalo's. This time I enjoyed mine like a responsible alkie. After heading outside of the bar some random drunkasaures rex comes up to us. The kid has to be one of the most awkward white guys ever so of course Tyler and I have to run our mouths at him. Some of the highlights include:

"holy shit I didn't know they let mental patients drink.... How does it feel to be a part of a family of brother/cousins?" The drunk guy doesn't take to well to our mocking of us, he gets up in Tylers grill. Tyler says 'motherfucker you've got five seconds to get the fuck out of my face before I fuck your world up.' The white guy decides to push me. I go with it, and fall. Tyler grabs him by the throat and throws him down. The awkward white guy goes back to his crew and starts pointing at us. The rest of our crew has assembled, someone calls the police.

The cops arrive, and I ask them if they're here about the assault that just occurred. They inform me that they were not aware of an assault; I inform the officers that the drunk kid assaulted me. One police officer breaks off and separates the drunk guy who is too out of control to do anything. I don’t know if anyone else has this ability but unless I’m black out drunk I have the ability to form coherent sentences and equate myself eloquently. (You may believe or not believe this, but after starting drinking at eleven I’ve developed quite a tolerance.) The officer asks me if I would like to place him under citizen’s arrest, and I ask him about the burden of proof because what he has thus far is hearsay. The officer looks at me a bit puzzled I inform him that I am a pre-law major. He understands, and informs me that if I issue a statement it will be good enough. First I get to fill out some paperwork, which I finish in short order. I then speak into a recording device. The drunk kid is handcuffed and thrown into the back of the car.
Half of our crew goes to get food the other half goes to another bar. I split the difference and head back to the house. On my way back to the house, I slip and fall hitting my head on the concrete. I brush it off until I try to get up and everything is spinning. It takes me at thirty seconds or so to get my bearings and continue home. Upon arriving I head for my room and pop tow vicodin.
I’ve got to say that being drunk and on vicodin is bad news bears. However being buzzed and on vicodin is amazing. Everything slows down moderately and things are pretty chill. I hop on my facebook and see that a virgin that I’ve been trying to get with for sometime is online. I send her an IM innocently enough. She should know better, but what can I say; shit happens.
Some of the highlights include her asking how many women I’ve slept with, and me informing her that it’s okay when someone goes down on her. I invite her over to my place only to find out she’s not in town. We make plans to hook up next weekend, I’ll be shocked and appalled if she remains the only 21 year old virgin that I know after we hangout.

Today the baseball gods smiled upon thee

Today the AP reports that Boof Bonser is expected to miss the season after it was revealed that he has a partial tear in his rotator cuff and labrum. In 2007 Bonser through 30 games went 8-12. He gave up 98 runs, 27 HRs, with an ERA of 5.10 In the 08 campaign Bonser went 3-7 with 78 runs, and 16 Hrs, and an ERA of 5.93. I couldn't be happier that he will not join the twins in the 09 campaign.

In my opinion Bonser just sucks. My friends and I have a tradition of consuming a disporportionate amount of alcohol whenever he enters a game because we forebode that it will soon go south. I hope that this will be the driving force that makes either the twins sign anothr reliever in his position, or allows other players to come up through the farm system.

The blue note

It's been over a month since I've updated. There's too much of life in a month to condense down to one blog entry so I'll leave you with a story. One of my brothers moonlights as a bartender in a town called Winstead. I show up about an hour into his shift, plant myself at the end of the bar and order a pitcher. After my first beer I take a look around and the bar is a mix of old men and rednecks. I find out the guy next to me is name George. My pitcher is empty he orders a new one and offers me some. I agree and thus begins a five hour long drunken convesation. We talk about the military, how shitty the economy is, cars. etc al. After three hours and seven pitchers between the two of us I am properly inebriated. Not J drunk yet, but I'm getting there. I order a Jack and Coke and get up to take a leak. Some hick was standing infront of my stool when I got back. and he asked me 'hey slant eye, how long have you been gay?' My first response was to laugh my ass of at him and then rip him a new one about being a stupid hick. I then proceeded to bring my brother into it and I asked him hey man tell this fuckhead how many women I've fucked. He obliged and said more than that dickhead will ever see. The hick walked away and said fuck you. I responded with not even if you let me videotape it. This would not be the last encounter that I had with the redneck that thought I was gay. I finish my jack and coke, and order another.

Twenty minutes later and half a pitcher in, the redneck returns. He starts running his mouth about how he wants to go outside with me. I responde by telling him that I will not hold his hands while he crosses the street. I suggest that he goes back to his crew of friends so that they can start their circle jerk while he's on his knees. The redneck asks me again if I want to go outside. I then launch into a tirade against him it went something like this:

me: Listen you dumb fuck, I'm going outside with you.
redneck: why not?
me: Because I don't want to go to jail shithead
redneck: are you going to call the cops?
me: god you're fucking stupid. If we fight outside of a bar legally they have to call the cops.
redneck: come outside with me
me: fuck you're stupid.

at this point the redneck went outside to smoke. Geroge followed him. I looked at punch and said you know my balls say to go out there and beat the shit out of that guy, but my brain says to stay put. what should I do? Punch told me to stay where I was, he walked out from behind the bar and headed outside. The redneck was not allowed back into the bar.

J

daughters lock up your mothers

I don't understand what it is about me, but in the last month I have been hit on by three mothers at the bar. Granted they're young (in their mid to late twenties) but still really? I have no desire to become a surrogate father to a child.

Who says you can't go home again?

I'm at my parents' house for the holiday. It seems as though whenever I come back to this place I go through a cycle of first wanting to get out of here as fast as humanly possible. If however I stay for longer than two days I don't want to go back to the place that I have resided in for these past three years. I feel as though the longer I spend in St. Cloud, the more my life is being sucked out of me. More of my brain cells die, if not due to the copious amounts of alcohol that I consume but the the virtue of the company that I keep. I am for lack of a better definition without any form of muse in that city. I miss the streets of uptown and walking around lake of the isles at night. I miss the random coffee houses, and the various hipsters that I would run into.

All in all it hasn't been a horrible holiday. I got to see my sister and her husband for the first time in almost a year. We shared our frustrations about life, and the republican nature of our parents over several bottles of Spaten. I wish that our time here together could continue on absentee of the rest of the world. A closed environment where we spend our time watching various movies, drinking beer, and talking about life. Alas the bubble that has encompassed my reality for the past few days will come to an end tomorrow when I have to wake up at an ungodly hour and make the trek to Green Bay Wisconsin.


A few friends of mine and I are going to see the Packers play the Panthers on Sunday. Before all of you sconnie hating people jump all over me. It's not that I like the Packers, although I don't really like the Vikings either. After the '98 season it doesn't matter how well they do, I can't get on the wagon with the rest of you. As for the Packers once upon a time before Gary Anderson's leg crushed my dreams I was a Vikings fan and as such I cannot root for you.

well, I've got a fire to go sit by with my father. It's time for one of those crazy conversations between two adults that I never thought i'd have with my own parents. That along with a few more beers should make this night complete.

I hope you enjoyed your turkey day as much as I did.