We find ourselves in the same old mess singing drunken lullabies

I should have learned by now that whenever Tyler says let's tear shit up tonight it's going to be bad news bears for someone. Last night we certainly took more out of alcohol then alcohol could ever dream to take out of us. The night started innocently enough with Tyler and his wife showing up and asking us to all head downtown. In true college men fashion we got ready and the crew hit the first bar. The bar was packed, the beer was cheap and my glass wasn't empty while we were there. I talked to him about life after college, and what it's like to have a big boy job.

We left the first bar and headed to Mc's. I have to say one of the most amazing things when you’re inebriated is a free Taco bar. It attracts everyone, and anyone. We had previously talked about having one of the lovely buffalo libations that they serve up. Upon our arrival I ordered two pitches of beer for our table. Tyler returned with an 'Irish' buffalo. He took one sip and made a face like he just fucked a cat. He offered it to me, and being the brave soul that I am I accepted. Now there are certain rules when one drinks any type of buffalo. The first and foremost unless you want to get all kinds of crazy drunk do not chug them, however considering they have six shots of alcohol in them unless you like the taste of them you should finish it in relatively short order. Me wanting to have as much fun as possible that night said get ready for the 'diesel' and slammed the drink in roughly 8 seconds. Cheers and high fives abound, followed up with looks of disbelief from my counterparts. I continue to drink beer and it is lovely.

We leave Mc's after another round of buffalo's. This time I enjoyed mine like a responsible alkie. After heading outside of the bar some random drunkasaures rex comes up to us. The kid has to be one of the most awkward white guys ever so of course Tyler and I have to run our mouths at him. Some of the highlights include:

"holy shit I didn't know they let mental patients drink.... How does it feel to be a part of a family of brother/cousins?" The drunk guy doesn't take to well to our mocking of us, he gets up in Tylers grill. Tyler says 'motherfucker you've got five seconds to get the fuck out of my face before I fuck your world up.' The white guy decides to push me. I go with it, and fall. Tyler grabs him by the throat and throws him down. The awkward white guy goes back to his crew and starts pointing at us. The rest of our crew has assembled, someone calls the police.

The cops arrive, and I ask them if they're here about the assault that just occurred. They inform me that they were not aware of an assault; I inform the officers that the drunk kid assaulted me. One police officer breaks off and separates the drunk guy who is too out of control to do anything. I don’t know if anyone else has this ability but unless I’m black out drunk I have the ability to form coherent sentences and equate myself eloquently. (You may believe or not believe this, but after starting drinking at eleven I’ve developed quite a tolerance.) The officer asks me if I would like to place him under citizen’s arrest, and I ask him about the burden of proof because what he has thus far is hearsay. The officer looks at me a bit puzzled I inform him that I am a pre-law major. He understands, and informs me that if I issue a statement it will be good enough. First I get to fill out some paperwork, which I finish in short order. I then speak into a recording device. The drunk kid is handcuffed and thrown into the back of the car.
Half of our crew goes to get food the other half goes to another bar. I split the difference and head back to the house. On my way back to the house, I slip and fall hitting my head on the concrete. I brush it off until I try to get up and everything is spinning. It takes me at thirty seconds or so to get my bearings and continue home. Upon arriving I head for my room and pop tow vicodin.
I’ve got to say that being drunk and on vicodin is bad news bears. However being buzzed and on vicodin is amazing. Everything slows down moderately and things are pretty chill. I hop on my facebook and see that a virgin that I’ve been trying to get with for sometime is online. I send her an IM innocently enough. She should know better, but what can I say; shit happens.
Some of the highlights include her asking how many women I’ve slept with, and me informing her that it’s okay when someone goes down on her. I invite her over to my place only to find out she’s not in town. We make plans to hook up next weekend, I’ll be shocked and appalled if she remains the only 21 year old virgin that I know after we hangout.

The blue note

It's been over a month since I've updated. There's too much of life in a month to condense down to one blog entry so I'll leave you with a story. One of my brothers moonlights as a bartender in a town called Winstead. I show up about an hour into his shift, plant myself at the end of the bar and order a pitcher. After my first beer I take a look around and the bar is a mix of old men and rednecks. I find out the guy next to me is name George. My pitcher is empty he orders a new one and offers me some. I agree and thus begins a five hour long drunken convesation. We talk about the military, how shitty the economy is, cars. etc al. After three hours and seven pitchers between the two of us I am properly inebriated. Not J drunk yet, but I'm getting there. I order a Jack and Coke and get up to take a leak. Some hick was standing infront of my stool when I got back. and he asked me 'hey slant eye, how long have you been gay?' My first response was to laugh my ass of at him and then rip him a new one about being a stupid hick. I then proceeded to bring my brother into it and I asked him hey man tell this fuckhead how many women I've fucked. He obliged and said more than that dickhead will ever see. The hick walked away and said fuck you. I responded with not even if you let me videotape it. This would not be the last encounter that I had with the redneck that thought I was gay. I finish my jack and coke, and order another.

Twenty minutes later and half a pitcher in, the redneck returns. He starts running his mouth about how he wants to go outside with me. I responde by telling him that I will not hold his hands while he crosses the street. I suggest that he goes back to his crew of friends so that they can start their circle jerk while he's on his knees. The redneck asks me again if I want to go outside. I then launch into a tirade against him it went something like this:

me: Listen you dumb fuck, I'm going outside with you.
redneck: why not?
me: Because I don't want to go to jail shithead
redneck: are you going to call the cops?
me: god you're fucking stupid. If we fight outside of a bar legally they have to call the cops.
redneck: come outside with me
me: fuck you're stupid.

at this point the redneck went outside to smoke. Geroge followed him. I looked at punch and said you know my balls say to go out there and beat the shit out of that guy, but my brain says to stay put. what should I do? Punch told me to stay where I was, he walked out from behind the bar and headed outside. The redneck was not allowed back into the bar.

J

want to see a real shit show?

Members of the opposite sex perplex me. I met a woman last semester. She seemed to be interesting enough as far as her having a similar sense of human and somewhat of an understanding as to the type of person that I am. We started talking one day and for a two week stretch we talked everyday at length. At the end of which the subject of drinking came up and I told her that I intended to go to the bar on Thursday night. By the time I arrived at the bar she was already drunk. We had one drink together and then she wandered off, we exchanged more texts and met up an hour later at another bar. She said that she needed to tell me that her life was a mess, and that she wasn't looking for a boyfriend. She also added that I was too smart to be her boyfriend. I proceeded to tell her in the nicest way possible and by that I mean not tell her the complete truth that I don't do the relationship thing. (It's not that I don't do it, it's that unless you meet my standards I'm not going to waste my time.) She acknowledged this and then proceeded to tell me that she thinks that I'm super cool and that she wants to be friends because she likes me and that I'm funny. So confused by her logic I tell her no worries, we have another drink together and then she says that she's leaving. I tell her to call me/text me when she gets home so that I know she arrived safely. When she does text me she says that she's mad at me because I didn't feel up on her... To which I reply that I don't do that sort of thing with people that I'm not interested in. The rest of the night was a mixed bag of consuming copious amounts of alcohol and getting my kind of drunk. The kind of drunk when you pass out in your bed naked and you put off going to the bathroom until the last moment possible because moving is awkward. The kind of drunk where you wake up drink water and sleep for several hours more. The day after a hard night of drinking like that always leaves me feeling less than human the next day. I don't enjoy the feeling but I do enjoy telling people that I feel almost human again in the evening. Anyway crazy drunk girl sends me a message apologizing for the way that she acted the previous night. Saying that she was sorry that she was that girl. She reiterated the fact that she thought that I was a cool person and wanted to be my friend, and apologized for her being upset that I wouldn't touch her.

Granted I understand when people are drunk they say and do some stupid things, but really? The triumvirate of stupidity in her case in my mind was first telling me that she thought that I was too smart for her. Followed by her assertions that she wasn't looking for a boyfriend, and finally that she wanted me to get all over her? What is that? Look I can understand being drunk and wanting to be touched and or hook up, but the person that you're trying to seduce will feel a lot less repugnant about the entire experience if you don't tell them that you aren't looking for anything serious.

daughters lock up your mothers

I don't understand what it is about me, but in the last month I have been hit on by three mothers at the bar. Granted they're young (in their mid to late twenties) but still really? I have no desire to become a surrogate father to a child.

Drink, drank, drunk.

Alcohol and I have always had an odd relationship. I have for the longest time wanted to live up to the idea set forth by Churchill that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. I find it interesting the various occasions when I drink, and the changing drinks that I consume while occupying myself with the various activities. There are times when really all I want to do is sit at my desk, smoke a cigar, drink whiskey, and write. Other times I enjoy drinking wine while I write. I find that alcohol not only allows my inhibitions fade away, but also allows people to be honest with themselves with respect to who they are. Being in college copious amounts of beer are consumed during various activities. (Going to the bar [with the intent of not being shit canned wasted at the end of the night], watching a sporting event, engaging in drinking games of all sorts, or while playing games.) An amazing amount of ritual and tradition I have developed around drinking in my college career. I have the drinks that we consume on a first date with someone to show them that we have taste. To see if they are perceptive enough to see with what connotation I have ordered and consumed my alcohol. I have the drinks that we consume on really bad dates because we hold the glimmer of hope that if I'm a little drunk they might become more interesting. I have the drinks that I consume when I meet a friend of mine and want to talk shop, and the one's for after business has conclude and now we wish to create a sense of mayhem. I have the drink that I indulge in after a hard day, and the drink that I enjoy during the cold dark nights in Minnesota. I don't imbibe alcohol often, however I can think of a drink to go with almost any occasion. I'm okay with the fleeting thoughts in my mind of drinking.

Arg!

Members of society and the blogsphere if I could change one thing about the universe I would make is so that your relationship status would be stamped on your forehead. It would revolutionize the dating and mating game, ensure a reduction to the awkward moments at the bar, and let you know that you are at least on an equal playing field with a member of the opposite sex.

To be fair I know pretty much where I am in life, with respect to my life stage and what my needs are. I know that I appear impossibly complicated to members outside of my small inner circle, however let's be honest. I'm you're typical soon to be college gradate. Freaking out about life outside of waking up at noon, drinking on Tuesday nights, and coin operated laundry. I'm not overly complicated, just because I have an extensive vocabulary, and I enjoy having discussions about Transcendentalism, the state of nature, the difference between an Epicurean and a Stoic. Is it really that complicated to understand? Fuck I get pissed off at most transcendentalist unless I'm half in the bag.

At any rate the cause for this diatribe about being single and knowing what I want. I met someone at the bar last night. I enjoyed the conversations that I had with her, I enjoyed playing drinking games with her, hell she was even able to pull me out onto the dance floor. Somewhere between the obligatory bumping and grinding that we had to do she put her arms around my neck and our eyes met. Everything around me just kinda faded away as I took in the features and expression of her face, the tactile sensation of my hands upon her hips and her arms around my neck, all the while the moment stretched out and lasted seemingly forever. Then the moment was gone, our song together had ended, and we both went our separate ways. She left with her friends, I with mine. I sent her an email later on that night expressing that I had enjoyed my time with her, and that at some point in the future I would like to see her again. I've yet to hear back from her so I have no idea if/when she will respond, or if she will acquiesce to my request. However I did find out this evening that she has a pretty serious boyfriend from my friend Sean....

A pox on you on thee non relationship status foreheads, A pox on thee.